I used to think home was a place, but with time I’ve realised home could be a hug from the right person, at the right time.
Funny fact is that I used to dislike hugs. I always felt them forced and awkward, and I still think they are awkward when they are forced, like when you see a family member that you haven’t seen in ages and you give’em a hug, wtf! Haven’t seen you since I was 10 and now I have to put my arms around you and pretend I care? That, I hate! And maybe is because I feel my family is very small, even though I have like 13 uncles and aunties and I’ve lost count of the number of cousins I have… for me my family are my dad, mum, sis, Georgie, and many other dogs.
I’d pay for a mum’s hug now, and well in all fairness I could, I mean I would have to buy a very expensive ticket and go see my mum in Ecuador to get a hug from her and feel “at home” and eventually I will, I need to see her again and tell her that I am so sorry for all the weight I’ve put on her shoulders. I can’t go now, I have other type of priorities for now and the best thing is that she supports me, she encourages me to pursue what I came to do, what since I was a kid wanted to do and I do it, I am coping with my new job, new place, making new friends, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
“Migration is an act of courage”
Whoever said that was damn right! I am a legal immigrant, I have my visa, all paper work in order but there are people who have not had my luck or resources to do it this way. They are illegal or sort of, living under direct provision, working without benefits and risking their lives to support their families or just pursue their own dream and they all miss someone, just like I do.
We all have that in common, we all miss people and want to hold them in our arms and tell them we are fine but that we miss them. We might find new people to hug, talk and tell them our fears and dreams, we find people who we fall in love to, and they become home too but choosing to be immigrants means that we have more than one home.
I don’t know if it’s because of the time I’ve been away from where I was grew up or what, but I have started to deeply miss friends, who I also think of them as home, friends who used to rescue me from a boring party, or just say come over to eat nutella and do a marathon of Friends, or just sending me a funny meme when I was sad or upset, or bring me a thermometer and medication when I was sick.
I am used to Ireland now, I even take the bus here (yes, big accomplishment!) but I still struggle to make friends and a personal network. I am sure I will get there, it just takes time and in my 30s this is so challenging but I have a brunch tomorrow, I’ll have lunch next Monday with my new colleagues, and I’ve made a couple of plans for the end of the month but I know I still don’t have the kind of friends I have in Ecuador here and that is a battle I fight alone.
On the bright side, I have my Irish gringo, who has made all efforts to include me in all his plans and he has no idea how much I appreciate that, but he also sometimes struggles to understand my ways and I his, and it’s only understandable. We’re still getting to know each-other and I hope I never finish to discover things about him, cuz it’s been so entertaining, challenging and fun, soooo much fun! It’s been like moving from a place to another, a bit messy, hanging new frames, storing old things, moving somethings from one room to another, buying new things to make the place look prettier but at the end of the day, I am home and his hugs are home.
I remember when I was struggling to find a job I was crying over the phone while talking to my mum and she said to me “you will always have a place to come back” a and in that moment I did but I sooo did not want to, and now that I feel safe I wonder, do I? Legally and physically yes, but my mum said “to come back” but I will never be completely gone as long as I have someone I love there. I can always call and even visit my mum and tell her I miss her. I can always tag my sister in cheesy sister quotes and tell her how much I love her, I can always see Georgie’s photos and close my eyes and tell him with my soul that I love him and miss him so much and to me, those acts of love, those small conversations feel like home.
Now I am lucky I have found a new home in Ireland, woods to run in, places where I like to eat, neighbour’s dogs that I can pet, but it is really not the place but the feeling of warmth and love that make me feel I am home.
How wise was Frida when she said: “Where you can’t love, don’t stay too long”!
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