When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend. His name was Robin, handsome kid as far as I remember and always good at having a cup of tea! I wouldn’t allow my mum to sit in his chair, he was my Robin and I was his friend Vane and we would spend hours playing.
I don’t know when I stopped talking to him, if I ever did… I just know that when I read “If you could see me now” I remembered him. Big shout out to Cecelia Ahern (the author). Coincidently she’s Irish and I looooove her and her books, especially that one because as her main character, I once forgot how to enjoy life because I was too busy being (more like pretending to be) a grown up.
I think I’ve said it before, but I was only 16 when I had to deal with my parents’ divorce, take care of my sister, be a straight A student, learn English, keep my social life and eat healthy. With the last one I failed and only learned to do that when I was 21 but still, I grew up suddenly. But… did I?
We handed it our masters dissertations last week. (GROWN UP!) Seamus and I went to celebrate for the whole weekend, we had so much fun that we forgot any responsibility (NOT GROWN UP!). Like little kids drinking happy drinks… Except age-wise we are adults and happy drinks need alcohol on them (GROWN UP!). Anyway… so much fun that we ran into a couple that had been married for like 28 years and we asked him questions as if we were kids (NOT GROWN UP!).
For 48 hours I forgot about my sorrows and concerns… but then grown up reality hit. On Sunday night I got a phone call from my mum to tell me that the lady who rents the other apartment of my house is leaving… we don’t blame her, the house is for sale so what security did she have, but that means less income for my sister and my mum. My instinct to solve everything came up and my first thought was “what can I do?” (GROWN UP!)… but nothing, I got nothing and that’s been on my head for all these days. I feel impotent, sad and want to cry (NOT GROWN UP!).
I think that maybe feeling impotent, like a little girl again, like the little girl I didn’t have the chance to be when I was 16, is ok. (GROWN UP!) However, truth is I’m almost twice that age and during the day I act like a grown up, go to work, pay bills, eat healthy but when the day is over I can go back home and be a little girl again, just get in my shorts and hoodie and be a bolita (NOT GROWN UP!)... or I can also do the laundry, do the dishes, fold clothes (GROWN UP!).
Then, I open this laptop and start writing as if I were talking to Robin. My blog is now my Robin and I ask him… Robin, when do we really grow up?
Is it when older people are looking? Is it when we have to act like we know everything? Is it when we talk to our younger siblings to share our wisdom? But…
What about those times that we actually physically play hitting our siblings? Or when we tell them that we also have insecurities and uncertainties? What about when I have to call my mum to tell her I don’t freaking know how to “hand-wash” a couple of blouses? Or that time that I cried myself to sleep because I was panicking about a slug next to the bed?
I don’t know if I have grown up… I mean, I’ll have a masters degree. I have a job. I left my parents’ house and stopped talking to my imaginary friend but I thought I had grown up too fast by the time I was 20 and thought I was doing the “right thing” when I was 27 but like Jon Snow… I knew nothing! I still don’t and I enjoy that feeling now. I sometimes wish I had a couple of spoilers of my life but this is not a tv comedy (looks like it for the times I laugh a day – thanks Seamus!) but it’s not. It’s not a drama either… it’s just life.
My life has changed so much… but me? “Man I ain’t changed but I know I ain’t the same…” (I was playing this song when I got to this part).
Anyway… after having complained about the bloody protests in Ecuador (GROWN UP!), having opened twitter every hour just for the memes (NOT GROWN UP!), having had a laugh with my best friends today on whatsapp and being 11h56pm… I drink my tea (GROWN UP!), put my hoodie and accept that everything that I have been through, it’s been worth living for and in regards to my many questions Robin… let’s take my good friend Osi’s advice: “Let’s never grow up, let’s just change the type of toys we play with.”
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