My mind started to wander around memories and recent events related to my image and confidence when the other day my sister asked me to proof-read the abstract of a uni assignment she was doing. She’s a psychologist and is doing a masters on eating disorders and obesity and she was explaining a workshop she was preparing for parents of teenagers and their perception of their image at a young age and what triggers it.
My first memory took me back to third grade. I remember I got the main role at a school play and I was going to portrait the main character of the story “Marcelino, pan y vino” so the description was: “Marcelino is a robust boy full of energy”. Yes, I clearly remember that description and didn’t care much about it, I was having the role and I’m sure I got the part because of my resemblance to ‘Marcelino’ and due to my talent too and I was a kid full of energy. However, not long after that I had one of the most traumatizing moments of my life. We went to visit my uncle and his wife and she looked at me and she said: My God Vanessita, you’re so fat! I was 8. Brutal! That’s the last memory I have of her. It impacted me so badly that after that visit I told my mom I didn’t want to go back to their house because of that comment, and thank God, my parents never made me go back. But since then, I’ve known that saying anything about other people’s weight just for the sake of it is just wrong! So wrong!!! So unnecessary! NEVER do that to anyone, not kids, not teenagers, not adults! As cheesy as it sounds, choose kindness and well if you really have to say something then why not highlight other type of characteristics! For instance, I love to compliment people’s shoes! It comes very honest from me as everyone knows I absolutely love shoes! 😉
So as we forget about the weight comments, let’s move to other insecurities too. Living abroad where I of course look different to most women here, has also had me reflecting on my looks and how that influences my confidence or lack thereof. The language and culture I don’t have in common. I do have other language and of course other culture to add but still, sometimes those differences make my core shake and I feel… off. And while I think of myself as quite confident, I am not confident all the time. Maybe this special kind of self-doubt hits us to those who have moved abroad, to a completely different culture, looking very different to most people, and might silently struggle, or… to others, might be an advantage. To me, I’ve got to admit, it’s both.
But then, even if we don’t travel, what happens to our confidence when we notice something on us we are not comfortable with because… somehow, it’s changed? Like, we didn’t mean it to change, but it did. For instance, I know I overthink all the changes a pregnant woman goes through, I am too amazed about what our body can do that but still ask whyyyyy God whyyyy! Even after the baby is born, I mean, I can’t even start on that because it hasn’t happened to me… yet, maybe someday. In the meantime, I’m concerned about how my smile has changed. How silly and shallow of me huh? But yup, you read that right. My smile used to be wide and broad. I liked my smile and I can’t wait to have it back. What happened? I broke my tooth a couple of months ago. How? I tried to open my mascara with my mouth. So anyway, most people say the gap can’t be seen because it is the first molar, but I can see it. I know there’s a hole there, I’ve seen it in photos and while I’m under treatment to fix it, I still have to wait a couple of months for it to be ‘Colgate ready’. So while I wait, I don’t smile broadly, or I turn my face to one side on photos, or I cover my mouth when I’m laughing hard. It’s such a meaningless accident that happened and I know people are honest when they say they haven’t noticed it but it’s me who feels weird and me who has to fix it to feel fully confident again.
It's not easy to admit this type of things. In fact, thinking about it too much could open a whole can of warms in my head but I think it’s necessary to have the right support. I can’t imagine talking to myself all day and telling myself, I am enough, I am smart. Yeah, affirmations are a great practice! I say/write them often but I also like a compliment… what am I saying? I love compliments! I need them and not only to feel validated but they help me to convince myself that I am, in fact, great!
And I’m sure I’m not the only one and that is exactly what makes me confident enough to write this sort of stuff! 😊
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