The first time I applied for my visa to come to Ireland (May 2018) I was told that while lectures would finish in April 2019, the graduation would be in 2020 so that I should put in the form that I’ll go back to Ecuador around July 2019 and that if I wanted to come back for my graduation, I would have to request a tourist visa again later in 2019.
Well it’s 2020 and it’s Emma’s 18th birthday (only Friends fans will understand) and guess what! I haven’t been in Ecuador since December 2018.
So, for visa purposes I did as I was told. For life purposes, it’s a different story.
For life purposes, I am where I want to be, but I am missing my mum and sister deeply. I call them and text them all the time with news and events happening in my life, like when I got my job, when I find a meme that reminds me of them, when I’m frustrated, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, any time. But no matter how good technology gets, it does not replace my mum’s hug, it does not replace my sister popping up in my room just to lay in bed and look at our phones.
I’ve found myself talking about my mum quite a lot lately… I guess I never gave her the credit she deserved when I had her around all the time. I think I took her for granted but now that I don’t have her 10 minutes away from my place I fucking miss her so much. Tickling her is one of my favourite type of love expressions to her, she absolutely hates it! And one of my favourite lines from her is when I asked her: “Mum, do you love me?” and she responded “Shut up donkey” and we both laughed and then I was like “Mum, c’mon, seriously, do you love me??” and again she said “don’t be dumb!” and then we laughed even harder and she hugged me and kissed me! She loves me soooo much that it physically hurts not to have her physical love. I wish I could say to her how much I miss her but I don’t want to worry her, I don’t want her to feel my anxiety because she’ll be sad, strong still but sad. I wish she could be here for my graduation but she won’t.
She won’t be physically here but while I write this, I know that she’s present all the time. She’s with me when I clean the house cuz she taught me to be tidy and not to “leave my flowers all over the place" (by flowers she meant my laundry!!). She’s with me when I work cuz she taught me that I shouldn’t depend on anyone, if I want to get a lipstick then it’s my business to get my lipstick. She’s with me when I eat (salads, a small portion of carbs and protein) because I must eat balanced. She’s with me when I run because if something she never thought I could do was running 5K (I was straight A student except for physical education haha). She’s with me when I go to bed and make a little prayer because she taught me to. I still remember the Angel de la Guarda we used to pray every night before she scratched my head and I fell asleep. She’s with me in my values, in my empowerment as a woman, in my bad mood (We both have the same forehead wrinkle), in my heart.
My sister can’t be here either but in some sort of way she is too. I want her to think of me and say “Fuck, she did it! She said she would, and she did it!” It’s not about vanity, it’s not proving anyone anything, it’s about inspiring others to go for whatever makes them happy and I want my sister to be happy. I don’t care what she studies, where she works, who she dates, what she eats, all I care and want is for her to be happy and I know she wants the same for me.
The three of us are all in different countries, struggling with our own problems, some of them might be small, some of them big but It’s about proving ourselves that even though this feeling of missing each other aches, it is worth it because I know that no matter where we are, we are all wishing the best for each other and we are doing what’s best for us.
It’s been a busy and stressful week. Tomorrow I’m taking the day off cuz tomorrow it’s actually our masters graduation. I knew the day would come, and while I am a bit sad that my family won’t be here to hug me in-person, I am also very very thankful that I get to hug and experience this with my former classmate, now partner, MSc. Hoxton Shamey. <3
It’s been a stressful week, but it’s still a wonderful life.
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