Do I wanna go back to Ecuador? No.
Do I get to decide? Sort of.
Am I a proud Ecuadorean? 100%.
Do I miss Ecuador? No.
Do I miss my family and friends? Yes, and my dogs but you could say they’re included in “family”. (George, Lucas, Juguete, Potochi, Nena, Bella, Bigo and Peludta).
These questions have been around my head in the last 8 months and I feel the urgency to get these answers out of my chest because honestly… I’m freaking out. I pray and I have faith in God and I ask her to give me strength and patience because that’s all I can have for now and that calms me down but then I look at my George’s photo or think of him and I just wanna cry and get a ticket to see him, to feel his comfort, to smile at him and for him to run to me. I just miss him with all my heart and it kills me not to see him, not to know about him and yes, it was my choice. I wanted to come, I left but that does not mean that I did not love people and things and dogs that I left. It just meant that I ran for my dream, something that not many are capable of because I’m sorry, but those people are cowards.
My decisions don’t have to be liked by everyone, they just have to make me happy.
And I am happy, I just have sad moments but I will be fine. I keep telling that to myself, I have to believe that, I have to.
Now, farewells have begun. I have to move out. I have to say goodbye to people I don’t wanna say goodbye to. I have less time because now I’m working. I have to find a long-term job. I have to pay my student loan in Ecuador. I have to keep my shit together while all this happens.
On the other hand, I read that Ecuador had these crazy unplanned holidays. I read that the government has lowered the medicine interns’ salaries. I read that the authorities are supporting with public funding beauty pageants instead of social programmes. I read the “Mujeres Cuenca” group sometimes and I feel the elitism right there and I am like fuck off! I’m better here even with all my struggles and just this week I found this quote:
“The struggles you’re feeling is a test to see if you’re truly committed to the life you say you want.”
I am. I am truly committed to the life I said I want.
And then again, I think about my sister. Mannn I want my sister to come to Europe, she deserves it. She will love it and I would love to hug her again and tell her how freaking proud I am of her!
And then again, I think about my mum. That woman is made of steel and was born to be a mother, even to my cousins. I’d give up a week of eating to have her cooking one day for me. She doesn’t like cooking and she always says she’s not a good cook but I love her food, I miss her so much.
And then again, I miss my friends. I miss a good ladies night out with a friend who’ve known me for years and just reminisce moments. I miss my best friend and I hope he reads this and forgives me for being such a selfish bitch a couple of months ago.
I don’t know if any of my friends think of me and miss me but my manager recently said this to me and so far she’s been like a guardian angel to me here. She said:
People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.
And making a balance of my life, I have been a good person overall so even with the struggles, I will be fine.
I am in transition mode.
And while this transition happens, I am just thankful that I have my family only a call away, my friends a message away, my dogs in photos and people here in Ireland who would let me pet and give their dogs a treat, my gringo who sometimes doesn’t know what to say but he comforts me saying “you’re not going anywhere, we’ll be fine”.
So yeah, forget about the Game of Thrones battle. The real ones like me in a battlefield with myself and the future are the real deal and all I can do for now is to have faith, wait and demonstrate the world what this Ecuadorean girl is made of!
Still, I love Game of Thrones so just a reminder from Tyrion:
“Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you”.
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